LOVE AMONG MEN WITHIN THE AUTISM SPECTRUM.
The concept of neurodiversity, promoted among others by Simon Baron-Cohen, suggests that our differences have an evolutionary purpose. The symbol of neurodiversity is the blue infinity sign. The world needs this "colorfulness". Neurobiological diversity fosters progress, hence evolution maintains a full spectrum of diversity. Today, we focus on one tone of the neurodiversity palette. "We will try to paint a picture whose main theme will be love, sexuality, and the closeness of individuals within the autism spectrum. In this interview, we delve more into men, and in the next interview, I would like to address the topic of love among women within the autism spectrum.
Are there many people on the autism spectrum?
According to a 2021 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted in the USA, 1 in 44 children is diagnosed as autistic - boys overwhelmingly dominate the statistics. These statistics concern diagnosed individuals who are at least periodically under specialist care. Due to the still low awareness of the issue, individuals with a significant number and intensity of autistic traits are being diagnosed.
What is the situation in Poland like?
Awareness of what autism spectrum disorder (ASD) entails is low, especially among individuals not involved in specialist psychiatric or psychological care. In Poland, high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum are sometimes lumped together with those exhibiting a high number of atypical symptoms, leading to situations of mislabeling. In my practice, I often encounter adults on the autism spectrum who were not "caught" by medical facilities, educational institutions, or their families and were not diagnosed during childhood, despite needing support. In adulthood, they seek help, often due to coexisting disorders such as anxiety, depression, social phobia, or difficulties in interpersonal relationships - closeness, loneliness, and challenges in maintaining employment. My experience, as well as that of my colleagues from around the world, shows that there are many of these individuals. How many exactly - I cannot answer that. It will probably remain a sweet statistical secret forever.
What is the autism spectrum?
Almost everyone is familiar with the concept of autism. This perception is far from the understanding of a person seeking close interaction with another human being. Is the concept of the autism spectrum the same thing? What is the autism spectrum?
The autism spectrum is a different way of looking at the world, processing and organizing information with a focus on facts, details, specifics, a greater need for consistency and routine, disturbances in communication and emotional processing, but also exceptional talents and skills.
The autism spectrum has its bright and dark sides, akin to the sides of the moon.
In an article dedicated to love and closeness, I will focus on high-functioning men on the autism spectrum - those with Asperger's Syndrome and atypical autism, including individuals with an autistic phenotype. Their numbers fall into a statistical gray area. This group of individuals is highly diverse in terms of the quantity and intensity of autism spectrum traits they exhibit. The image of the autism spectrum in each person is a kaleidoscope of normotypical and atypical traits - one can be a little autistic or very much so. The concept of the autism spectrum eludes a binary approach of 0-1; it paints a picture of shades of gray that naturally occur in the general population. Individuals who are less autistic, such as those with Asperger's Syndrome, are indeed capable of seeking and building close relationships. Among such individuals are figures like Andersen, Einstein ...
and even Bill Gates...
Polish rapper Mata-Michał Matczak also recently revealed that he is on the autism spectrum.
He is often compared to Eminem, who is speculated to be on the autism spectrum like many others.
These are individuals who create and have sought closeness and relationships.
Does the topic of love and closeness apply to individuals on the autism spectrum?
Love within the autism spectrum is still a taboo subject. The stereotype of an autistic individual persists - someone lost in teir own world, with distorted sensory perception and complete social withdrawal. Self-identification is also a taboo topic, whether someone falls on the atypical axis - is within the autism spectrum. Observations show that high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum are numerous, yet they remain an under-researched and under-diagnosed group.
Tony Attwood, a world-renowned expert on the autism spectrum, once said that "the world needs people on the autism spectrum."
I would add that individuals on the autism spectrum need the world, to compensate for their deficits and to support them in the process of building interpersonal relationships, including the construction of mutually satisfying closeness with another person.
Do individuals on the spectrum seek closeness?
In addition to being biological beings driven by primal instincts, including the reproductive drive, we are also emotional beings. We seek closeness. Atypical individuals, in the vast majority, do seek closeness. However, the definition of closeness and the way it is pursued often differs from that of neurotypical individuals. Sometimes, it is difficult for these individuals to create these definitions on their own. They may operate somewhat like blind people in the world of emotions. Support and awareness of deficits help them put on glasses, increase focus on important things, and acquire skills in interpreting nonverbal, verbal, and emotional cues, as well as social context - thereby improving interactions with others.
What is the definition of love according to individuals on the autism spectrum?
I think it's worthwhile to hear from those interested. When asked what it means to love someone, three men with Asperger's Syndrome provided three definitions. I believe these answers will best illustrate how men with Asperger's Syndrome might potentially understand and experience love. Of course, this won't capture the whole picture, but it sheds light on some significant aspects of how this group of individuals experiences love.
I know it may come as a surprise to some, but atypical individuals do fall in love romantically. People on the autism spectrum have a strong need for order in their world, including emotions and relationships. However, this area remains unordered - it's illogical. The coping strategy involves shifting from extreme desire to denying the need to be with another person. Here's a definition from one such individual: "It's hard to say what love is. Currently, I don't consider love to be anything extraordinary. Just brain chemistry telling us that we feel good with someone. Falling in love should mean wanting to be with someone, and I don't want to be with anyone."
This response comes from someone who was very invested in relationships in the past, with a tendency to subjugate themselves, transitioning from extreme romantic love to a purely biological concept. They have difficulty processing and changing their approach to the subject, seeing it through a gray lens. It's as if a traumatic experience burnt a resentment into them, leading to the devaluation of the need for love.
Now, let's explore a definition from a man with Asperger's Syndrome, who dives into the subject of love and the individual they are fixated on. Most people in love may experience this, but for individuals on the autism spectrum, it can be significantly more intense. It's as if the person they're infatuated with has entered their mind and refuses to leave.
Sometimes, these individuals struggle to understand that the other person may need time to rest. There's a tendency to overwhelm their partner with attention, although this isn't always the case. Here's their definition: "Falling in love means falling ill for someone. Thinking about that person a lot. Feeling euphoria. Having butterflies in your stomach. Spending a lot of your free time with that person. Wanting to get closer to that person." One respondent provided a definition similar to the commonly accepted one, although less elaborate: "Falling in love means thinking about that person, feeling good around them. That person motivates you to strive for a relationship, to be a better version of yourself." These three examples complement a definition stemming from my observations of men on the autism spectrum. This definition could be summarized as, "If I'm still with you, it means I love you."
A man on the autism spectrum, requiring a lot of personal space for his persistent professional or non-professional activities, for example computer games. This is a very important part of their self-regulation. Sometimes, it takes a big part of their time during the day and makes building and maintaining relationships difficult
Low competence and awareness of the need for building closeness, might provide a definition such as: "If I don't love someone, I wouldn't waste my time," or "Since I fixed the washdisher, it goes without saying that I love you."
Individuals like this, due to communication deficits and theory of mind impairments, may not realize that the repetition of gestures of interest, including verbal expressions, builds and sustains a relationship. They are also unaware that excessive immersion in their own interests for too long can evoke a sense of loneliness in their partner. I remember a man with Asperger's Syndrome who, upon realizing that regularly expressing affection to his wife pays off relationally, set himself a reminder in his phone - "Every 2 days - tell her you love her."
Following this analogy, individuals on the autism spectrum need more time to get to know themselves, to "tame" themselves. Many of them are often lost in understanding who they are and who they should be. Some, due to this confusion and difficulty in identification, as well as a sense of being different, may put on masks and try to conform to their surroundings.
These individuals may struggle with the pace of getting to know someone else. They might want to understand the other person too quickly and in an awkward manner, sometimes crossing boundaries by asking overly direct questions. People and the complex world of interactions can be challenging for them. Atypical individuals typically reach interest and maturity for being in a relationship later. It also takes them longer to get to know themselves and to become "tamed" in their interaction with another person.
The topic of closeness is like deep water - it's difficult to immerse oneself in it when acquiring the skills to navigate relational space is challenging. For many individuals without support, "closeness" remains a big unknown. We are each somewhat different on our own, and together as well. For individuals on the autism spectrum, transitioning from being alone to being with another person takes considerable effort, and conversely, separations and the end of relationships can be difficult for them too. In summary, the pace of building, maintaining, ending, or working through relationships is a challenge. They may also feel discomfort when someone sees them in crisis and senses the "wet fur after the storm" scent about them. Like the fox, they may try to escape to the forest because it's the only way they know how to cope with the crisis and accept it. This stems from confusion, emotional overload, sensory integration disorders, and difficulties with emotional self-regulation.
Let's try to step into the shoes of a man with Asperger's Syndrome. What do men with Asperger's Syndrome fall in love with?
Literature and interviews with men confirm that they often fall in love with some visual aspect of the object of their affection, sometimes it could be an important detail or characteristic. One of my respondents wrote that he fell in love with the red hair of his first love. He didn't have the ability to remember faces or pay attention to maintaining eye contact, but the hair was something that anchored him to the person. He remembers people through the lens of their hair. The theme of rigidly replicating relationships with familiar objects is a common thread. Another respondent stated that he fell in love with a dominant blonde, much like his mother. It took a lot of time and multidisciplinary support to end that relationship. There are also those who fall in love with nurturing, gentleness, and organization, traits that their mother exhibited.
Among groups of men with significant deficits in theory of mind, which refers to the ability to empathize with another person's situation, and a very strong need for stability and predictability, there may emerge a plan and a list of what their partner should be like. It happens that they even write down a list of characteristics that their woman or man should have in order to meet the standards of being their other half. There's little romance in this - a lot of logic and often a lot of tears, especially if the partner is neurotypical, not rigid, and surprised that they are being scrutinized and pressured to be a certain way.
What are the difficulties in building relationships for individuals on the spectrum?
How is getting to know someone for individuals on the autism spectrum?
The problem almost always lies in what's called "chit-chat" - engaging in conversations on less concrete topics, also known as small talk. Individuals on the autism spectrum often struggle more frequently with the uncomfortable silence that accompanies small talk.
Notably, they may tend to veer off into less interesting topics for the other person, mainly topics related to their persistent interests, and get stuck on them. For example, having a conversation for an hour about various species of frogs during a sunset beach walk may cause concern in a potential partner. Another issue is the lack of spontaneity and rigid adherence to established plans.
Some high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum learn scripts, such as how to behave on a first date or when it's appropriate to suggest physical intimacy to someone. They follow these learned patterns of behavior. Some may even resort to seduction courses, with varying degrees of success.
When addressing this issue, it's important to consider psychoeducation, including providing accessible knowledge about building relationships and sexual health. For individuals on the autism spectrum, sources of information about relationships and sex often come from TV series, comedy and drama movies, and adult films.
Some may even turn to the knowledge of sex workers. These sources often do not reflect reality and may overlook essential aspects of sexual life, including respect for boundaries in a relationship.
Due to deficits in abstract thinking and theory of mind, coupled with a lack of creativity, individuals may passively strive to replicate what they've seen on screen, including adult films where they might witness various activities. Lack of awareness and deficits in communication can lead to vulnerability and confusion. While these problems don't always occur, they are present. Another issue may be the rigid expression of sexuality solely through masturbation, hindering or complicating the ability to deviate from the pattern of solo sexual activity when engaging with another person.
It's worth mentioning that many individuals on the autism spectrum are also members of the LGBTQ+ community. The world of relationships is an exceptionally complex space, especially for individuals on the autism spectrum.
Are there any other difficulties that a partner of someone on the autism spectrum might encounter?
Let's start with the fact that neurotypical partners of individuals on the autism spectrum sometimes face challenges.
The relational minefield can include excessive honesty, sometimes to the point of discomfort. While this honesty can be refreshing, it can also be overwhelming. When something doesn't sit right with a man on the autism spectrum, he often expresses it directly.
For example, when asked, "Do you like my dress?" if he doesn't like it, he may logically respond, "It doesn't look good on you." Similarly, when asked about weight, one should expect a bluntly honest answer. These men are somewhat like truth police.
They may be perceived as tactless or socially awkward. However, these behaviors stem not from ill intent but from a deficit in theory of mind, meaning difficulties in empathizing and imagining the emotional state of another person. Many high-functioning individuals learn to navigate these situations with grace, carefully choosing their words or opting not to comment at all.
Is there any specificity in relationships with men on the autism spectrum?
I think it's worth mentioning the behaviors that sometimes occur in men on the autism spectrum - categorized by some as cute quirks, by others as a reason to look for the door marked "escape."
One could say that there's a certain eccentricity always associated with being in a relationship with men on the autism spectrum.
Unusual behaviors stem from a differently functioning nervous system - not from ill will. However, how an atypical person deals with them or not is another matter. These topics are an area for improvement if they cause tension in the relationship.
Firstly, there are preserved and intense relationships, often difficult for many neurotypical people to understand, associated with overloading the nervous system with sensory stimuli such as sound. A sensory overloaded brain - bombarded with stress hormones - may react by shutting down or attacking - meltdown.
People with sensory integration disorders, including sound sensitivity, will instinctively avoid crowded places like supermarkets, concerts, or social gatherings because in such places their mind and body often react physiologically with discomfort. I remember a person on the autism spectrum telling me that when it's loud, they have nausea reflexes; another said that in such situations, they feel like crying. There are also individuals who, in such situations, react with directed anger towards the surroundings. It's an evolutionary strategy to cut off from the stimulus - "leave me alone" - which is worth harnessing. Touch sensitivity and the need for routine, which can lead to a tendency to always wear the same clothes and obsessively cut labels, are also characteristic. Some individuals eat the same thing over and over, exhibiting selective eating habits.
The absence of space for culinary experiments and the proverbial macaroni and cheese seven days a week can sometimes be the reality for partners of individuals on the autism spectrum. Sometimes there are individuals who, for the purpose of calming their nervous system, walk in circles around the room - stimulating the vestibular system or covering windows and sitting in darkness, not answering phone calls. That's just the way they are.
Communication with a person on the autism spectrum can also be specific. Verbal communication deficits may lead such a person to prefer contact via chat or text messages, even if their partner is in the next room. There may also be issues with answering questions after a longer period, at a chosen moment, or communicating only when they feel like it.
Another common issue is conflicts in relationships stemming from noticing details that others overlook and the need for unchanging space. Men with Asperger's syndrome may get annoyed by minor movements, such as shifting a binder on the table, similar to moving chess pieces on a board.
Some of these individuals pay no attention to celebrations, dislike gifts, and fail to see the point of offering wishes. They excessively attach themselves to stability and enjoy routine. While some partners may find this fitting, others may find it tedious. It's worth mentioning the rigidity and attachment to agreements and plans - once the decision is made in their minds, individuals on the autism spectrum may struggle against the world and themselves to fulfill it. On the other hand, for many women, it may be attractive that when such a man commits to something, he follows through. A large group pays no attention to celebrations, dislikes gifts, and fails to see the point of offering wishes. Family celebrations are a nightmare for them, and they tend to avoid them.
Some may also be surprised by the tendency towards stereotypical motor behaviors such as twirling hair or tics.
Lastly, let's touch on the topic of eye contact. Due to a different perception of nonverbal cues, individuals on the spectrum may have difficulty making eye contact. In fact, this is often the first sign that someone may be on the autism spectrum. Many individuals with Asperger's syndrome, when asked during the diagnostic process why they have trouble making eye contact, speak of fear and discomfort. That's how their minds work. If someone values long evenings interwoven with deep, penetrating gazes into each other's eyes, it may be difficult or impossible with a person on the autism spectrum.
For someone dating such an individual, one must answer the question whether to love with all its variety and richness, or to flee. Probably in the intergalactic chess game of building relationships, it's easier to play and cooperate when you're from the same planet. Therefore, it's easiest to understand someone on the autism spectrum if you're also on the spectrum.
Do all men on the autism spectrum require diagnosis and support?
No, not all of them require comprehensive specialist diagnosis. It largely depends on the extent of deficits. Awareness and self-identification as an atypical person with their deficits change a lot. If someone has suspicions, they can start by taking the AQ test. Tony Atwood, while conducting therapy for couples - both neurotypical and atypical individuals, emphasizes the importance of the atypical individual seeing themselves in terms of their atypical traits during therapeutic work.
Knowledge provides clarity about the areas to work on oneself - such as problems with acting on one's own principles, or understanding the interlocutor. Self-awareness alone leads to improved understanding in the relationship with the partner - building an intergalactic bridge of understanding, because the goal is for people to feel good with each other and understand each other regardless of their beautiful differences.
At the end of this post, I've included a link to a dating portal dedicated to autistic
individuals. Hiki. Everyone can build their own definition of love and may find someone who shares their views on love and being a couple. I wish you luck in your life's journey and search.
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